On Africa and Rough Weeks, Part 2

Hey!

As indicated in the previous post, the past week has been tough for me.  I've been feeling pretty low.  It's hard for me to admit that to myself, and even more so to anyone else.  But that's been the reality this week. 

I skipped school (er, took a personal day?) on Thursday to give myself time to do things to pep myself up.  I watched some dumb movies and went out for a bit but it didn't really help.  I seriously considered taking Friday off as well but instead I convinced myself it would be beneficial to get out of the house.  So many things have been coming together--divinely aligning, even--for me recently.  I have so much to be thankful for.  Knowing this makes me feel even worse for feeling that a part of me has been unravelling.

But that's how I feel right now.  I'm upset and disappointed.

Fortunately for me, in the midst of feeling this way, one of my truest friends called me unexpectedly last night.  We went out and talked about unravelling and about healing and about sunny days to come.  We went to Staples (one of my happy places) and then for coffee.  Last night was exactly what I needed.  I feel thankful for connection and communion. 

Today was still a bit of a struggle for me.  Being upset takes a lot of emotional energy out of me so I ended up napping for 3 hours in the afternoon.  The only reason I was stirred from sleep was because I kicked myself out of a nightmare.  I tried to work on some of my projects after that but found that my mind was still wandering, unravelling, and so I ended up immersing myself in multiple games of minesweeper.  I only play minesweeper when I am upset and unsettled, so I know my feelings must be real.  I first realized this quirk at Capernwray when during a time of trying to avoid my feelings I noted I was playing up to several hours of minesweeper a day.  Ridiculous, I know.  I try not to stuff my feelings as much anymore.  But there is still something incredibly calming to me about systematically sweeping the mine.  (I'm a dork, I know).  But you can rely on algorithms in minesweeper.  Though the outcome is uncertain at first, a small amount of information and  a sound strategy can be manipulated so that you win, every time.  Maybe I just wish this was more true in real life.

All this said, I feel better today than I did yesterday.  And I expect the same to be true of tomorrow, and the next day.  Here's to being on the up and up,

E.

P.S.  Oh yeah, Africa--it's still far away (2015).  In short, I've been accepted for an additional certificate program along with my M.D. which will allow me to travel and experience clinical work in a variety of under served/marginalized populations.  Ask me about it in person sometime! :)