On Plans and Feelings

I am a big Robbie Burns fan. I appreciate how he integrates the dialectic and culture of rural Scotland into formal poetry. In particular, I have loved his poem "To a Mouse" for many years now.

"The best-laid schemes o' mice and men
Gang aft agley,
An' leave us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy!

Still thou art blest, compared wi' me!
The present only toucheth thee:
But och! I backward cast my e'e,
On prospects drear!
An' forward tho' I canna see,
I guess an' fear!"

If you have read John Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men, you likely know that Burns' poem "To a Mouse" was Steinback's inspiration.

I post this because I am at the point where I am feeling excited for a the academic path I have carved out for myself. But alas--I will (or will not be?) receiving some important information tomorrow that may change all my plans, and potentially my feelings.

I am not worried or scared. But I am a little confused. And thus, my "best laid plans" may soon "fall aft agley". Sigh.

On Theme Songs and Not Feeling Any Older

I was not sure that this day would ever come. For some reason, I have always had the premonition that I would die young. And perhaps I already have--when I think of how much God has stretched me and changed me inside in the past two years it does seem like I have laid my old life to rest.

But that's not the point. Today I turned twenty but I do not feel any older. It's nice. It is true when "they" say that age is just a number. It is. Life goes on with or without recognition and/or acceptance of the Number.

I had a quiet but productive day at work, went home to have dinner (and cheesecake!) with my family, and even found the time to take bicycle ride to a solitary place that I love.

I think if I could pick a theme song for my upcoming year, it would be "When Finally Set Free" by Copeland.

Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we've come
Let the pain burn away from our hearts
We have time to start all over again

Well if you would shine your love down here
Oh Make my heart as perfect as new
Oh if you would shine your love down here
Oh I promise I'd reflect right back at you
Oh I promise I'd reflect it right back at you
Oh I promise I'll reflect it right back at you

Yeah. There is something about these words that resonates with me. I love Copeland.

On Getting There and La Bella Vita

The questions that matter in life are remarkably few, and they are all answered by the words--"Come unto Me." Not--Do this, or don't do that; but--"Come unto Me." (Oswald Chambers)

Tonight I am finding it comforting to know that I do not have to feel anxious about a big question that I have. Neither my "Should I"s or "Should I not"s can answer the questions that matter in life. Simply coming to Jesus is integral in living on purpose; coming to Him is cornerstone to real trust.

I know Matthew 11:28-30 by heart--and I have for many years:

"If you are tired of carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest. Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me. I am gentle and humble and you will find rest. This yoke is easy to bear and this burden is light." -Jesus

But I am only now getting how important the preceding verses are...

"At that moment Jesus said:
My Father, Lord of heaven and earth, I am grateful that you hid all this from wise and educated people and showed it to ordinary people. Yes, Father, that is what pleased you. My Father has given me everything, and he is the only one who knows the Son. The only one who truly knows the Father is the Son. But the Son wants to tell others about the Father, so that they can know him too." -Jesus, Matthew 11:25-27.

What Jesus is saying here is entirely at the heart of the bella vita--that is, the beautiful life. It is not about what I do--no matter how much knowledge or wisdom or power or talent I have, I cannot know the Father. But Jesus--the Son that knows His Father completely and fully--wants to tell me about the Father, so that I can know him too. Jesus is the reagent by which I may enter into communion with my Creator. Because of Jesus, an ordinary person like me has an extraordinary Gift.

So getting to la bella vita is not really about getting there. It is independent of my plans, meditated actions, and ability. It is about coming, resting, and cultivating a heart of thankfulness. Jesus has paved a Divine bridge for me.

On Being "INFJ" and a Secret About Me

I am INFJ. And I am glad to be among the 1% of the population that is INFJ. I do not believe that your result on the MBTI Test (i.e. Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) can or should fully define the personality of the individual. However, every time I read the profile of the typical INFJ, I find myself nodding my head and saying "That's me" at nearly every statement.

Years ago, a high school teacher of mine took the entire class to the scohol computer lab to take the MBTI. I remember getting my result, and comparing it with the results of others, and feeling embarrassed for being an introvert among my friends at the time, most of whom are extroverts. High school is a strange place. There are, apparently, more introverts in the world than extroverts, so I am not sure why I felt ashamed and like I was the only introvert, but I did. And I am not sure when I was led to believe that it is "better" to be extroverted than introverted. It's not. Both have their advantages and I am glad for the vast constellation of personalities that exist in the world.

But anyway, here is part of the secret: I kind of like Lady Gaga. Her apparent craziness, her outlandish costumes and facades, her dedication and drive to her art. In the past couple weeks, I have seen several interviews and documentaries on Miss Gaga on the television. I watched the first one not because I was interested in her, but because I was bored. However, when she spoke I felt like I could relate to her. Understand her even. And I knew she must be an INFJ.

I "googled" this after the show. Lady Gaga is indeed an INFJ, just like me.

Weird? A little. Eccentric? Completely. Misfit? Yeah.

But so am I. And though I have never met Lady Gaga (obviously), in a way I think I understand what it is like to be her. I have never walked the streets in a gaudy costume, but I can imagine myself in her outlandish black stilettos.

So that's the secret: I like Gaga. I don't think I would call myself a fan, but I can respect her in her own light.

Also, I do not like leaving my closet door open when I am going to bed. On that note, I will go close it, shut my eyes, and dream.

On Uncomfortable Moments and Bicycle Rides

Losing someone you were once close to is hard. Whether they have passed from this life, moved to a new city, or chosen a different path than you have, it hurts. At points in the past year, I have felt the malaise of friendship lost and the sting of loneliness; how sadness and discomfort can creep up and consume one so very quickly.

And honestly, I used to be a little angry about what happened between this person and I. It is difficult to believe the old adage "'tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" when the ache rests so heavily on your shoulders. But I am learning to be thankful for the pain. I think if you can feel the pain of loss so strongly, you can know that you truly loved and that you are strong enough to love again in the future.

So I am feeling quite at peace even though this friendship is not where I wish it was. I have grown up so much and I know I still have a long way to go...

I have gone from feeling a rush of panic to feeling comfortable in my own skin when I am reminded of the loss. I even feel beautiful despite having a mouth full of braces and no boyfriend. Contentment from God is amazing.

So even in the uncomfortable moments like today, when a person I loved will not even look at me anymore, I can know there is nothing wrong with me. I can pray for this dear friend and maybe in time we can sit down for a coffee together again. Or go for a bicycle ride. There is something about a long bicycle ride that brings me a lot of joy. My legs feel loose and I see the prairie landscape whir past me. I pedal into the skyline faster and faster until I feel like I can leave the ground and soar up into the clouds. If you take the right person with you, it makes the experience twenty times better--I promise.

If you are reading this, will you go for a bicycle ride with me?

On Happiness and Willa Cather

Question of the day: what will I get out of sitting at my computer, typing out a message, and sending it into cyberspace for anyone--and potentially no one--to read?

I am not sure of the answer, but I am giving it a try anyway.

I think writing things down can be therapeutic. Or at least that has been my experience; drink the language-elixir and feel better.

Presently, I am in the midst of reading a novel written by Willa Cather entitled "My Antonia". It is really great, really, really great! It is the best novel I have read out of the seven books I have been through already this summer. I am not even half way through, but there have already been a myriad of lines, paragraphs, and phrases that are absolutely and entirely stunning. Brilliant even. Cather is a fabulous author, and it may be hasty to do so, but I recommend that you read "My Antonia" even though I have not finished it myself. Here is my favourite passage from the novel so far:

"Nothing happened. I did not expect anything to happen. I was something that lay under the sun and felt it, like the pumpkins, and I did not want to be anything more. I was entirely happy. Perhaps we feel like that when we die and become a part of something entire, whether it is sun and air, or goodness and knowledge. At any rate, that is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great. When it comes to one, it comes as naturally as sleep."

I like this thought about happiness. I remember feeling just like Cather describes; it was a year-and-so ago sitting alone in the Lord's Lot Wood (England) with my eyes closed and the warmth of the setting sun resting on my eyelids. The smell of lingering rain drops shivering on pine needles. Crisp spring air. Completely dissolved in nature and spirit and love and God...and I did not ask for it. The happiness came and dwelt with me like a good night's rest. Nothing happened. I was still and I knew. And I felt what I perceive to be real happiness in that lonely wood.

And I have felt this happiness many times since then. It is not that my life has been perfect. Indeed, there are pieces that have become so emaciated...but I am willing to trust God to use me and guide me despite my mistakes and wrongdoings. Honestly enough, some days I wish I could turn the clocks back and fix the "Problem," but I suppose I am seeing that I must allow and accept myself to fail at times and learn to trust God and His grace more.

So, if you are reading this, and you are flawed and imperfect like me--be encouraged, and have hope. God can use you. You have a gift only you can give to the world.