On Clouds and Hospitals

Hey.  I have so much to tell you.

I guess I'll start with what is the most pressing issue.  One of my brothers is in the hospital right now.  A couple weeks ago when he had his wisdom teeth removed, they discovered that his blood pressure was abnormally high.  A lot of things have happened between then and now, but the short version of the story is that it is very likely that he has some kind of problem with his kidneys that is causing damage to both his kidneys and to his heart.  He is having his kidneys biopsied tomorrow morning.  Please pray for him if you think of him.  Pray for my family too, especially my parents.  They are pretty exhausted and worried about the potential outcome (and so am I).

On a more positive note, I'm on my Christmas break now.  I've frittered my days away so far but that's what I've needed.  I didn't realize how emotionally exhausted I was until school suddenly stopped.  The past term has been tough on me.  Not so much academically, that's been fine.  School is going well and I'm loving my classes (yes, all 9 of them)!  It's pretty great to feel that way.  But I have certainly taken a few personal hits throughout the past couple months.  I have often felt that I've been carrying a heavy load.  Yet I am not discouraged.  I still find myself full of hope.  And that's also a pretty great feeling.  I've always thought that resilience looks good on me.  It's the word I've been wearing so far this year and suspect that I will continue to wear for the upcoming term.

Hm, what else?  My grandpa will be going in for an open heart surgery sometime in January.  He has been feeling very unwell lately and I am worried about him.  Even though the surgery is the best option for him, I am worried about the outcome of that as well.  It isn't a simple operation and the risk of death is fairly high.  I'm praying that he does well.  I've gone with him to some of his appointments now and it's been interesting to see things from more of a patient/family perspective.  Same goes for the stuff with my brother.  I'm not happy about what's going on with either of them, but I am thankful that I have some medical knowledge and for the chance to truly see things from the other side.

Other than the above: I'm still singing (choir performance at the hospital tomorrow), I'm still writing (see below), and I'm still dreaming (and always hoping for, looking for ways to get more out of this life).  If we haven't seen or spoken to each other in a while, please give me a call.  I'd love to reconnect with you.  I'm sorry I have to be gone so often and that I have had to step away from aspects of my old life, but I promise I haven't forgotten about you.


Clouds (12/18/2014)

I have always made a habit of keeping my head up and my eyes open.  Especially at night.  I am convinced there is nothing more beautiful in this world than the sky at night.  Have you ever looked at the stars and suddenly felt like you aren't alone anymore?  Because that's when I feel when I look at them.  When I look up I see old friends that I can talk to about anything.

Last Friday, you caught me stargazing, my face glowing with the orange hue of the city.  I'd like to think that I became a little more dear to you in that moment.  I have often thought it strange, to have the eyes of a young woman and the untarnished spirit of child.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.

After I saw those stars I went home and sat in the pitch of my room.  There's something about being awake in the early hours of the morning that I adore.  If you time it right you can feel like you are the only person awake in the world, the only person alive.  Complete solace.  So I sat there, in the dark.  Alone with my thoughts. Entirely comfortable in the midst of them.  And you, washing over me like waves.

It struck me in that darkness that all nights of clarity have occurred when the sky was clear.  Perfectly fitting for a loner and a lover of the night.  I remember walking in the wilderness in shades of black.  The stars were the clearest I have ever seen.  My mind was the freest it has ever been.  I don't think you know it because you couldn't see me in the darkness, but in that moment something celestial happened in me.  I got this ethereal taste on my tongue again last night and felt completely satisfied.  Satiated with and by my Now.

Riding on these feelings I put on my best dress and let my curls go the next night.  The weather report called for clouds but I went out anyway.  I should have known better to go out when there is cloud cover.  I have never been so full and so empty all within twenty four hours.  Rejection has never been a comfortable companion but I've kept him close anyway because he's reliable and predictable.

I drove home, cursing the snow I normally praise.  Cursing the clouds from which it came from.  Cursing every cloud that has ever stopped me from seeing the lights when I needed to.  Wondering where God is in our heartbreaks.  In my heartbreaks.  Wondering what it even feels like to break your heart.  I only know about things like acute coronary events and sources of non-cardiac chest pain.  I sense the pain of heartbreak is less physiological but somehow just as threatening to the spirit.  I guess I'll let you know what it's like when I find out.

And here I am.  A week later. Sitting in the dark early in the morning.  Wondering if the sky is clear tonight.  My head isn't, so I suppose it isn't.  Wondering if those stars will be mine again soon and if you'll be there to see them with me.  Hoping something celestial might happen in me, again.

...

E