On Africa and Rough Weeks, Part 2

Hey!

As indicated in the previous post, the past week has been tough for me.  I've been feeling pretty low.  It's hard for me to admit that to myself, and even more so to anyone else.  But that's been the reality this week. 

I skipped school (er, took a personal day?) on Thursday to give myself time to do things to pep myself up.  I watched some dumb movies and went out for a bit but it didn't really help.  I seriously considered taking Friday off as well but instead I convinced myself it would be beneficial to get out of the house.  So many things have been coming together--divinely aligning, even--for me recently.  I have so much to be thankful for.  Knowing this makes me feel even worse for feeling that a part of me has been unravelling.

But that's how I feel right now.  I'm upset and disappointed.

Fortunately for me, in the midst of feeling this way, one of my truest friends called me unexpectedly last night.  We went out and talked about unravelling and about healing and about sunny days to come.  We went to Staples (one of my happy places) and then for coffee.  Last night was exactly what I needed.  I feel thankful for connection and communion. 

Today was still a bit of a struggle for me.  Being upset takes a lot of emotional energy out of me so I ended up napping for 3 hours in the afternoon.  The only reason I was stirred from sleep was because I kicked myself out of a nightmare.  I tried to work on some of my projects after that but found that my mind was still wandering, unravelling, and so I ended up immersing myself in multiple games of minesweeper.  I only play minesweeper when I am upset and unsettled, so I know my feelings must be real.  I first realized this quirk at Capernwray when during a time of trying to avoid my feelings I noted I was playing up to several hours of minesweeper a day.  Ridiculous, I know.  I try not to stuff my feelings as much anymore.  But there is still something incredibly calming to me about systematically sweeping the mine.  (I'm a dork, I know).  But you can rely on algorithms in minesweeper.  Though the outcome is uncertain at first, a small amount of information and  a sound strategy can be manipulated so that you win, every time.  Maybe I just wish this was more true in real life.

All this said, I feel better today than I did yesterday.  And I expect the same to be true of tomorrow, and the next day.  Here's to being on the up and up,

E.

P.S.  Oh yeah, Africa--it's still far away (2015).  In short, I've been accepted for an additional certificate program along with my M.D. which will allow me to travel and experience clinical work in a variety of under served/marginalized populations.  Ask me about it in person sometime! :)

On Africa and Rough Weeks

This week was challenging for at least ten different reasons.

But, in the midst of it all, I found out that I will be going to Africa!  I am SO excited!

Details are coming later--that is, as long as this girl survives another week of exams. :)

E

On Blue Jays and Intrinsic Rewards

The blue jay in the tree

was a message straight from you. 

she looked at me and in 

that moment I knew that you 

saw me cloaked in my black 

uniform. a no name face but 

you chose to wrap me in 

the beauty of her sapphire wings.

in the dull palette of November

she is delight.  the deep saturation

of her feathers, the lines of

her wings

was you calling me, saying that

even if I had no songs

you would love me--forever.

on the lonely roads and in

those sorrowful rooms you would hold

me. and at the peak of

that daydream mountain you would

hold me still.  who am I

that you should care for me?

yet you do. and learning this

of you makes my soul feel

like gold.

...

This week has found me entirely grateful to be studying where I am.  I am being challenged daily to expand my knowledge and skills.  I am learning and seeing results.  I feel at home.  My mind feels happy.  My soul feels happy.  The intrinsic rewards of personal study are compelling me to continue on.  I have been listening and finally know that I am being lead in the right direction.  

Hope you come along with me,

E.