On Hidden Curriculum and Adsorption

I have been struggling to get out of bed since June.

I thought I was overtired for a while, so I started sleeping more.  I was averaging 10 hours of shut-eye a night for the summer but it still wasn't enough.  When I woke up I felt like I needed to go right back to bed.

I have always needed a good amount of rest and time alone to feel well.  But sleeping for over 11 hours and not even stirring when an alarm clock goes off is problematic when you have things to do (and buses to catch).

Fortunately, I have felt infinitely better this week.  In part I think it is because allergy season is nearing its end (finally).  My mind feels clearer and I am glad to be weaning myself off second-generation antihistamines.  However, most of me feeling better stems from other events.

If you know me you may know that I am a highly intuitive person.  In academics this means I easily see patterns between abstract ideas and I am good at understanding the "big picture" behind complex concepts.  In relationships it means I have a great sense of the emotional state of others and how that affects their interactions with me and vice versa.  It is not an easy thing to understand, but the sense I get can be so strong that I have felt the pain of others before I consciously know they are experiencing a certain kind of pain.  My first strong experience of this personality quirk occurred when I was seventeen, and to be honest, it made life difficult and confusing for me because I could not figure out why I felt such a heavy weight on my chest when I did not feel bad.

I am not sure why it did not register with me that I was adsorbing a slurry of emotions from different sources this summer.  But I was.  And it was wearing out my mind and my body.  This week so much of the weight and tiredness I was feeling has left.  I am thankful to be able to rest a bit more easily and to wake up peppy and ready for the day.  But I am mostly thankful because I think the weight lifting means that healing is occurring for at least one person who has been on my mind.

As an intuitive individual I have also become very interested in the hidden curriculum of university, particularly during my medical education.  Hidden curriculum is, essentially, the side-effects of formal education (and normally has a negative connotation).  My first reaction to the term "hidden curriculum" was that it was a good thing--because who doesn't love looking for new, interesting nuances and connections within the formal curriculum?  "Hidden curriculum" sounded like an adventure and a challenge and I loved that.  After reading some lit on the subject I see that the term is being used differently, particularly to describe actions accidentally taught to students by medical preceptors.

I read a shocking example which I will not reiterate here because it was grotesque.  I realized I had already observed an example of hidden curriculum myself, when a fellow medical student told me that when he worked in the hospital "TB" would be written on certain patient files--not because they had tuberculosis, but because they were total b******.  I felt uncomfortable when I heard this story and didn't know how to respond.  He laughed a bit.  I couldn't...but I didn't say anything either.

I think it is important for physicians to hold humanitarian values in high esteem.  In simple terms this means caring for the patient as an individual rather than as the "inflamed knee in room 8."  If I lose my love and care for others my work becomes pointless.

I was reminded this week of the benefits of reflecting on my experiences--often.  In part, that is why I started this blog a few years ago.  It is a conscious commitment to self-reflection that keeps me accountable.  When I reflect on myself and see my own frailties it makes me more sensitive to the frailties within others and allows me to serve them better. 

"The heart of servant leadership is when your deep passion meets the world's deep need."

Don't just pretend to love others.  Really love them.

E.