On Old Diaries and Advent

When exam time comes I find myself looking for anything to do that is not studying.  Today I spent some time dusting off my archived diaries and re-reading some of the entries.

I laughed at myself, cried at myself, and scolded myself.  I questioned how I could be so immature and naive.  But I guess that's easy to do because I know the story of how life has worked out for me so far. 

And, while looking back and having my childishness slap me in the face does sting a little bit, I am glad to feel this way.  It means that I have changed: that I am growing up.  It reminds me that life has become richer and deeper and much more wonderful--and that I have become a little more enigmatic.

And that is, in part, why I am still writing things down: that later I may remember clearly and be thankful.  Also, writing is a crucial step for me in processing feeling.  I am terrible at expressing my feelings and I always have been.  I process things in my head and on paper; if I have to express my feelings aloud to someone else without being prepared to do so I am generally anything but eloquent. 

Yet, I have feelings--a lot of them, sometimes.  I cannot help but wonder how life would be different for me if I had said how I felt in certain situations. 

So in this season of advent, I am working on familiarizing myself with the feelings of waiting.  (Advent means "coming."  If Someone is coming, someone must be waiting for them).  In this season particularly, I am waiting.  I know the mechanism of waiting well in my mind: it can be measured in units of time and be described in units of distance.  With each passing moment the amount of time spent waiting becomes longer and the time until the arrival grows nearer. 

In my heart I am allowing myself to connect with the feeling of the greatest gift drawing nearer and nearer to me with each passing sunrise and sunset.  It is a conscious, conspicuous, yet gentle drawing near.  It's amazing to think that over all this time He continues to draw near to me and pursue me.  Advent is not just a symbol that He is coming closer in time, but in space.  This coming toward is deliberate.  That is the best part.