On Words and Means

Lately I have found myself thinking about words.  About how words have this intrinsic and enigmatic property that make them mean what it is that they mean.  About how words come by what they mean truly.  About how we need them.  Lately I have found myself thinking about words.  And about what it is to mean.

I found myself early this morning over Denver, pressing words into my forehead through a crystallized window pane.  Wishing I was better at giving my words to people.  Paper has been a long time friend of mine.  Paper understands.  Paper unconditionally accepts whatever ink or charcoal shapes we give to it.  And the things we can proove with paper are boundless.  I found myself dreaming of equations: mathematical and physical laws of the universe.  About how they bring order and comfort to us.  How they allow us to discourse about phenomena which would be otherwise impossible to explain.

I found myself daydreaming, shivering in the memory of those nights in June.  They were glorious nights wrapped in scientific discussion.  They were beautiful nights--times of being held closer than I have been held in many years. Nights of surrounding myself in those words and equations that scrawled themselves out as a kiss to the forehead, then the nose, then the cheek--

And now I find myself acutely aware of the limitations of our words.  Wondering about how much may be lost or added in well-meaning text.  About how words are everything to me and have been since my infancy.  About how words are not enough.

Yet I want more words.  I need more words.  I find myself at night, soaking the words into my skin.  Thinking that maybe if the compress is closer or if the steam is hotter I will be able to force the words out, through my pores rather than my mouth.

In the same thought-breath, I think about love.  About what it is that makes a person fall in love with someone or something.  About how different this may be from what prompts a person to love.  I know inside of me that falling in love is not the same as living a life of love and this calms some of the thought storms in my mind.

I find myself thinking about how I have much to learn in this life.  But I also find myself, knowing, now: the human soul can excel in bringing love to the world it lives in.  Its thoughts are beautiful and rugged, like wildflowers.  Its words mean.  And it means simply because it exists.

I find myself thinking about how lucky we are that other souls are here with us.  To share in our world, our words.  How wonderful it is that we do not have to be lonely even in times of being left alone.  I have always been curious about the way these souls, our friends, have a way of flitting in and out of our lives at just the right moment.  Somehow they manage to be perfectly on cue in the production that I call my life.  I find myself feeling thankful for those friends who have fallen back into my life, like pretty little snowflakes.  Calm and cool on my eyelashes.  I find myself praying for safety and deeper meaning for those who are somewhere else now.

I find myself thinking that I cherish you and that I want to tell you so.  But just look how words are not enough!  They will never be enough.  But if you find this insufficient prose, know you are cherished.  Let these words mean what it is they are meant to mean for you.

Mahalo for reading these midnight ramblings,

E.

On Wisdom and Humility

Hi,

I'm up too late again, I know.  But this is when I have been doing my best thinking recently so I'm just going to go with it.  

So, I've had a good week.  Some parts were incredibly boring and some parts were overly full.  I'm left feeling thankful for it though.  It's been nice to be home-ish for a bit.  I realized that I am in this sweet spot of life where I know who I am and also have been able to find a sizable collection of like-minded human beings whom I value greatly as friends and love dearly.  I have seen many of their faces in person this week: over coffees, board games, ice creams, and bike rides.  If you were there, thank you.  If you were not, call me please.

First, a wedding story.  If you know me you likely know that I am somewhat intolerant of weddings and wedding-related things.  It's bad, I know.  I am working on it and think I am less cynical than I have been in the past.  In my defense, it's just empty traditions and extended periods of mingling that I dislike (#introvertthings?).  But I digress.  I was involved in a wedding again this weekend.  And I attended on my own again this weekend (as I nearly always do.  I don't even remember the last time I brought my "plus one").  So I'm there, alone, mingling, catching up on life with people I haven't spoken to much in the past few years.  Some of them start asking me about my doctoring and I am happy to tell them a bit about it.  Then they ask me if I am seeing anyone.  I say no.  They say, "Hm," and give me this weird look that I have had on so many occasions when people find out I am still seeing no one.  It's a look that goes along with a tone that comes into the remainder of the conversation that I can only describe as a "how dare you be happy and feel like you are succeeding in life while you're single."  

I hate sensing this from people.  Some people just say it outright, something like, "you know, you're doing so well for yourself, working so hard, now all you need is a nice man to share it with..."

I think a lot of these people mean well and just want me to find happiness.  But what they don't get is that I already have it.  Yes, I've dared to do this.  Not on my own; I have been far from alone in this process.  But I have done this as a single woman...and I kind of feel like I'm winning at it.  I don't want to feel shamed for feeling good about the things I have accomplished in my singleness.  I am not going to wait to feel triumphant in life until I am coupled to a man.  Sorry.

And it's not that I don't look forward to being in a relationship.  I do, very much.  Some days more than others, I suppose.  So far I could summarize my singleness as being due to choice and lack of choice (interpret that as you will).  This being said, I think I've learned enough about myself that I can say that I am truly ready for romance--if the time and person are right.  That's a good feeling too.  

With school impending in t minus 2 weeks and myself leaving the country in t minus 72 hours I decided this week was the time to do some praying and some goal setting for the year ahead.  "Humility" is a word that has been coming up a lot in my thought life and I've decided it will be the focal point for my year.  Sometimes as a med student you get the impression that you have much to be arrogant about and much to be entitled to.  But I don't want to be this way.  I want to live a quiet, humble, simple life...a life that pleases God.  

The more I think and read about humility, the more I see how intimately it is tied to wisdom.  So, in part, what I am longing for is wisdom in this year.  My intelligence will certainly grow exponentially this year if I complete the tasks laid out in front of me.  A growth in wisdom, however, will not occur unless I personally resolve to invest in learning to live in a more humble manner.

What do I mean by this?  There are many aspects why I am thinking in this way, but the following passage from James provides a good starting point:

"Who is wise and understanding among you?  Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.  But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.  Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil.  For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.  But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.  Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness." (James 3:13-18).

Isn't that awesome?  I've already felt God speaking to me about ways in which I can work to be increasingly humble and to bless his heart by being more like him.  Tonight that meant taking some tweens to a movie.  Totally outside of my comfort zone, by the way.  But I was blessed by the fun we had and am glad to (hopefully) be bringing some degree of positive influence to their lives.

So here's to being pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial, and sincere,

E.

P.S. You should read the entire book of James.  It's only 5 chapters.  You won't regret it.  Do it now. :)

Current listenings:

Ed Sheeran: x 

Sherwood: A Different Light

Chantal Kreviazuk: In This Life

James Vincent McMorrow: Post Tropical

LOTR Soundtracks

Deas Vail: Birds & Cages

Kari Jobe: Kari Jobe