On Letting Go and Stars

I have been home for almost a week now.  I am adjusting to the newness of life.  I can already see that the learning curve is going to be very steep and that is exactly what I love.

The feelings that I did my best to leave behind were here to greet me when I returned.  The warmness of their welcome was comforting and disconcerting all at once.  I have questioned why I must feel this way so many times and have wished for the feelings to leave just as many times.

And yet, the feelings have not gone.  But they have changed.

Letting go is a subtle and fragile process.  It is never easy.  But for me it is absolutely critical.  I need to trust my future to someone greater than myself.  I need to trust that a future which I have no control over will be greater than the wonderful moments of the past that I have desperately tried to hang on to.

I crave the order of systems in my external world.  I craft my life into a series of deadlines and schedules and to-do lists.  External order allows my internal INFJ world to function as it should: on pure intuition and spontaneity.

But I must let go.  I am but a vessel in this world.  My life is not my own.

So maybe that is why no matter how many times I try to run away I have been consistently brought back home.

Quo vadis?

About a week ago I was driving late at night and was lucky enough to be a witness to the clearest, starriest sky I have ever seen. It was a picturesque kind of moment--one that you never want to forget and hope that somebody else was fortunate enough to see too. I am not sure what it is about star gazing that I love so much. But when I see the stars I feel a little less alone. And I feel like there is hope (even for sometimes lonely-hearted wandering girls like me). And I need that.

Other small things this week that I realized make me happy:

-being barefoot and getting my feet dirty
-fresh pieces of paper
-boy t-shirts and baseball caps
-how free and surfer-like my hair looks when I don't comb it
-how I can read by moonlight in my room late at night

Never forget to take great delight in the small things,

E

On Doubt and Friendship Part 2

The past few days have been haunted by self-doubt.  Consequently, I have felt less than good.   I am thankful that I do not have feelings like this often.  If you have ever wrestled with self-doubt I am sure you know how terrible it feels to know the truth somewhere in you yet not be able to believe it.  This is difficult for me to admit to myself.  But the truth is that even though I am outwardly excelling I feel like a failure on the inside right now.

And I feel like I am not enough.

There is something that I started actively asking God for in early February of this year.  His reply was "not now."  I have found it unsettling to know if "not now" means "later" or "never."  I have swayed back and forth between feeling at peace because I know His answer is meant to protect me and feeling annoyed that I cannot have what I think I want (childish, I know).

And now, in the midst of self-doubt I am upset with myself because I see my shortcomings as the reason for the "not now."  So I find myself re-praying those prayers I wrote back in winter:

"I need your comfort on these cold days.  I know that you can do all things.  And I trust you. Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now."

"O gather up the brokenness / and bring it to Me now / The fragrance of those promises / You never dared to vow // The splinters that you carry / The cross you left behind / Come healing of the body / Come healing of the mind" (Leonard Cohen).

And I read and re-read my life verses from Psalm 73:

"When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered I was senseless and ignorant.  I was a brute beast before you.  Yet I am always with you.  You hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterword you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.  But as for me, it is good to be near God.  I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."

Somehow, despite the cloud of bad feelings that has been lingering around me for the past couple days I feel grateful because I know that God can use me in my uncertainty.  He can use my insecurities to draw me closer to Himself and depend on Him more.  He can use my uncertainty to make me a better E and even a better doctor (er, doctor-in-training).  :)

I have begun to organize myself to return to Saskatoon.  As I have been thinking of each of my friends I have felt totally blessed because I can see that each individual has been placed in my life for a purpose.  I find it both interesting and amazing that certain people have become integral to my life at just the right time.  Some have been there from day one (literally) and some I have just come to know within the past year.  To those who have changed my life for the better: I thank you and I love you.

Happy August 1!

E