On Love Smart and Broken Hearts

Hello and happy May!

I have had the entire week off and have been enjoying days relaxing by myself and evenings catching up with people I love. Life has felt unrealistically leisurely. I feel rested and ready for new things.

Last night I started to think about the summer and some other things and I started to feel a little bit scared. I felt a little bit sad, too. And my heart has been hurting a little bit, too.

But despite all these convoluted feelings, I am still at peace. I am still content, excited, and happy at the core of me. I am not sure if you have ever had your heart broken. I have, and it hurts a lot because even if you can lie to the world about feeling alright, you can never lie to yourself or escape your own brokenness.

I was privileged enough to see the legendary Leonard Cohen in concert earlier this week. So much of his poetry has been influential to me. His concert was amazing. The lyrics and prose he presented were generally dark and crammed with heavy topics: sex, drugs, and broken hearts. I nearly burst when he spoke 1000 Kisses Deep. What I loved the most was that amidst all the stories of brokenness and despair there was a gentle, unexplained, unannounced performance of the song Come Healing. The lyrics are incredible. And the timing of the song was just impeccable. It has been true for me that healing has come in the middle of dark times. The words of the song touched something in my soul that I did not know needed to be touched. I love that healing is continual. I love that I am still making progress and getting better. And I am thankful to know what it is to be broken, because, as Cohen would say, "There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."

Since I have had so much free time this week, I have been scouring the stacks of some of the local libraries. I am mildly embarrassed to admit that the self help genre may be my favourite. Self help books are just so...funny. The ones on dating and relationships are especially hilarious! I always risk feeling like a loser for checking so many of them out...but I like them too much to care about what anyone thinks!

Below is some golden advice I found in a book called "The Body Language of Dating:"

-"if you want to elicit the most powerful emotions from the average guy, direct the majority of your petition to his left side. Sit at his left side, speak into his left ear, look into his left eye, and stroke his left arm." (The thought here is that the man's emotional center is on the right side of his brain, which receives signals from the left side of the body. Shoot--so that's why he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend yet...I always sit to his right).

-the book goes on to suggest practicing flirty moves on men you are not interested in ("anywhere that you can find an audience") until you're ready for "big league flirting" with the "specimen" of your choice. (Yeah...I don't think so. Plus, I think it is offensive and strange to refer to men as "specimens.")

-"an insecure woman will hide her thumbs, tucking them against the palms of her hands or stuffing them into her pockets...the farther from the palm the thumb is held, and the more upward it is pointing, the more powerful and confident the thumb's proprietor is feeling." (Hm...so I guess I will give out more thumbs ups on my next date?)

-"touch through association: passing an object to the target of your affection gives you a perfect excuse to exchange an almost-touch." (Ah yes, the wonderful "almost-touch")

-"The Deliberate Accident: Oops! You both reached for the same napkin and brushed hands. You bumped into him while shakin' your funmaker under the disco ball. You grazed his finger while reaching for the pen he was extending toward you. Accidental? In his estimation, yes. Effective? Extremely." (I can't disregard the power of touch but how this statement is written is ridiculous. And I hate that throughout this book the author makes it seem that women can't be honest and deliberately in control. Our only hope is to make deliberate "accidents" and dream that the guy we like will pick up on them and do something about it).

-"an embellished day planner can be supersexy." (I love my day planner but I can't think of any guy who would care too much about it).

-"give him 4 or 5 seconds of dreamy eye contact, smile demurely, look in a downward direction, make a few more seconds of eye contact, and tilt your head to the left--in that order." (Whaaaat?)

Funny, yes?

I also picked up a copy of Dr. Phil's "Love Smart." I can't bash it too much because it is mostly common sense and logical. One thing he says is that "Loving smart means believing in you, your worth, and your value." He writes that if we focus on loving the aspects of ourselves that make us unique, we can be marketable in the dating world without having to compromise our individuality.

After skimming through "Love Smart," I realized that my desire is not to love smart, but to love well. I would say that loving well means believing in others, their worth, and their value. Loving well means the focus shifts from yourself to others while still believing in yourself.

Here's to being ready for Love,

E.