On Feeling Sad and Purity

Wednesday was a day speckled with feelings of sadness: a culmination of nearly 2 weeks of sickness and far too much free time to think and feel. Have you ever had your eyes opened in a way that makes you see someone in a different light? That is what happened for me this week. I know I need to be honest with myself regarding this, but I don't really want to be. Yet I will be, because I know it is the best thing to do.

So there's this guy that I've been getting to know...(worst way to start a paragraph, I know.  Bear with me). I enjoy spending time with him (and I think he would say the same about me, or at least I hope so). A few weeks ago I came to realize that I really like who he is. Really. This is not something that happens for me often.  It has not happened in a long time. He makes me laugh. He is smart and kind and relaxed. He makes me feel happy and at ease.  I like him.

So what does any of this have to do with feeling sad? A few things have happened in the past week that are making me want to change my feelings, insofar as it is possible. In the words of Chris Martin, "night makes a fool of us in daylight." To be honest, I have spent so much time wondering: about him, about what he thinks of me, about how I feel when he notices me or does not notice me. I have spent much time in prayer for him too--and for protection of my heart and mind as I sift my feelings for him over and over. But I have been doing so with the hope that something more could happen with us--at least in part.  I have been selfish in this regard and it is not right.

His presence diffused into my thoughts has been distracting for me.  I've always thought to say that singleness is a gift is cheesy blanket statement, so I am not going to say it.  But I do know from experience that being single gives you an unequivocal opportunity to be intimate with God.  I have been designed to long for intimacy--to love God and to be loved by God and to love others and to be loved by others.  Some of the sad feelings have stemmed from me questioning my recent distractions, because I am wondering if:
1) I robbed myself of opportunities to improve my intimacy with God;
2) I have been blind to other people who need my time and love;
3) I have been distracted in my work and studies because of my feelings.

Also, more questions have arisen from something important I was reminded to consider last night.  In relationships we should never be thinking about what boundaries we can push to get what we need; instead we must be compelled to love others as an act of honour and respect.  Retrospectively, I have not done the best job of this in recent weeks because:
1) I haven't been honest with myself about how I feel;
2) I haven't been honest with him about how I feel;
3) I have probably been focusing more on what I can take from friendships than what I can give.

For me it is important to consider all these things and more because I know purity is more than physical innocence.  As Oswald Chambers writes, "Purity is the outcome of sustained spiritual sympathy with God.  We have to grow in purity...if the spiritual bloom of our life is getting impaired to the tiniest degree, we must leave off everything and get it put right.  Remember that vision depends on character--the pure in heart see God." (Matthew 7)

So I guess writing all this emotional stuff out has been a small part of my processing things and putting things right.  I will never be able to make myself pure by obeying laws--and for this I am incredibly thankful.  Only the grace of Christ is capable of washing me white as snow.  "Purity is too deep down for me to get to naturally, but when the Holy Spirit comes in, He brings into the center of my personal life the very Spirit that was manifested in the life of Jesus...which is unsullied purity" (O. Chambers).  That is a great gift.

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Current listenings:
The Sum of All Graces, Mindy Gledhill
Know Nothing Stays the Same, Copeland
Duets, Johnny Cash & June Carter
Decade Fades, Trent Dabbs
This Empty Northern Hemisphere, Gregory Alan Isakov